Tag Archives: inspiration

I Don’t Need 20 Bucks

27 Jul

I Don’t Need 20 Bucks

Prayer is a strange thing.
I wish I could say I understand it, but I don’t.
Despite our lack of understanding, we still pray.
I guess that’s what faith is all about.

I don’t know about you, but I live in a bubble.
Most of my days are insulated away from people who don’t know Christ.
I’ve been praying this would change.
Really praying.
Expectant praying.

You know what? God has been answering.

In just a few weeks we’ve been having crazy awesome experiences.

The other night my wife sent me to a house to buy a cabinet.
It’s not like me to go to some strangers house with a since of expectation that God is doing something, but I did. So did my wife.

The young couple invited me in and took me to the cabinet.
There was pain on their faces.
Even I could see they were in need.
I didn’t want the cabinet, and their faces dropped.
I’m ashamed to say it wasn’t until I was in my car that I realized I don’t need 20 bucks.

I headed back into their house.
“Excuse me, I know this may sound weird, but I want you to have this 20 bucks.”
I should have bought their cabinet to help insulate them from shame, but God knows.
Regardless, they seemed thankful.
“Can I be praying for you for anything,” I asked?
She said, “yes.”

Call me silly, but I think that encounter only happened because of prayer.

At least, I think because of prayer I actually realized the need.

People desperately need to hear the words of life.

I got back in my car and wept.

I prayed.

And I realized, I don’t need 20 bucks.

What is it you are expectantly praying for?

I Hear Voices

14 Jul

There are many voices rattling around in our heads. Which one’s are you listening too? If you like this post, go check out my post called “The Voice.

Mark Nicklas

At 38,000 feet over the North Sea, I am settling in for the long flight back to Portland from Amsterdam.  I want to talk about voices.  I don’t think I am unusual in saying that I hear voices.  The fact is, I’ve always heard voices – lots of them.  The churning of thoughts and ideas within is a cacophony of words.   They come from outside, from inside and from somewhere else.  There is a steady stream of them competing for my attention, often coming from points of confusion no different than my own.

voicesThe first voice I can remember is the voice of my mother.  She said amazing things to me; “you’re so good, you’re so handsome, you’re so wonderful…” There are times when I have failed or disappointed someone terribly and I really need to hear that voice.  Sometimes I will pick up the phone to hear it.  Other…

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Today

12 Jul

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Today I’m going to live.
Today I’m going to do something I don’t usually do just to do it.
Today when I go to the sushi place, I’m not going to order the teriyaki bowl-you know, because I hate sushi, but I’m ordering sushi.
Today I’m going to gag.
Today I’m going to look people in the eyes as I walk down the street.
Today I’m going to believe the best.
Today I’m going to fail and believe the worst.
Today I’m going to believe the best again.
Today I’m going to laugh.
Today in going to make fun of something I shouldn’t.
Today I’m going to feel bad I made fun of something I shouldn’t.
Today I’m going to wish I wouldn’t of posted that thing on Facebook.
Today when that guy at Walmart tells me how horrible his life is, I’m going to ask him if I can pray for him.
Today I’m actually going to pray for him.
Today I’m going to hope-the bible kind of hope.
Today I’m going to believe God CAN.

What are you doing today?

I actually ordered this!

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Okay, I lied. I ordered this.

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The proof I ate it.

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Momentous Redemption

21 Jun

Wordle: Redemption

There are some things that stay with a person for a life time. No matter how hard you try to ignore, cover up, or just plain deny, some experiences burrow into the dusty crevices of the inner chambers of our hearts, leaving lasting impressions that secretly shape the foundations of everything we believe about the world, people, and most importantly ourselves. For most of us these impressions are formed early in our childhood and have a subtle craftiness to whisper doubts, fears, and accusations into our every thought, leaving us almost completely unaware of their lasting impact upon our lives.
No other experience has shaped and molded me more during the impressionable years of my Redemption Blog Pic 1childhood as the slow abandonment of my father. It hasn’t been until recent years that I’ve realized the effects of that abandonment on my heart and how it’s shaped almost every aspect of my life, including how I view God. Sadly, like a solitary drop of rain exploding in an ocean of water, my story is only one amongst millions of others that have yet to be told.
It was on a summer trip to Kansas of all places, where in the quietness of my soul, and the companionship of a best friend, that I discovered an invitation to be initiated into the greatest journey of my life, being fathered by the Father of Fathers. It was in a small two bedroom apartment in the middle of nowhere that the voice of God spoke courage into my fearful heart, and inspired me to look at the tragic experiences of my life through the lens of His love.
Like many who have gone before me, it was in the bareness of a desert that the Father extended a ladder to reveal his love, but as with Jacob long ago, it was not without a wrestling in my soul, and brokenness in my hip. Picture2Like a physician resets a broken bone, for years, God has been taking me back into the broken seasons of my life, especially the abandonment of my father, and showing me how he has always been there and always will be. It has taken the courage of His spirit to re-enter those dark places of my soul, but through obedience directed by love, my true Father has been sweeping out the voices lurking in the darkness, and searing truth upon my heart. A Whistle in the Dark: The Adventures of Eaner Pickernan, is a processing of that journey.
            In my wildest dreams, I could have never imagined that in the process of this journey of those dark painful years, I would not be traveling alone, but that my dad would be on the journey with me. When God enters those painful areas of our lives, it’s not enough just to bring us back into the memories, but He has to bring us back to the emotions. We have to hear with our souls. We have to feel what we felt. The searing knife destined to make the crucial cut was none other than my dad himself, and I too the knife in him.
            Although the story of my abandonment is filled with trauma, it is by the elegance of Gods handiwork that Picture3His grace is revealed to not only the victim, but the perpetrator. In this He weaves together a tapestry made of moments that, isolated, tell a story of pain and loneliness, but as a whole, of God’s momentous redemption in which the end story beautifully outshines the tragedy that enveloped it.

Pierced Ear

16 Aug

I’ve been thinking about getting my ear pierced. I’ve been contemplating it for years now, but finally, I think I’m ready to do the deed. I don’t want one of those tiny little shinny studs that most men get either. If I’m going to do this, I want to go big.

I recently saw a picture of a guy who turned his face into a tiger. When you see that, all you can say is, wow. Now, I’m not ready to commit on that level, but if I’m going to do this thing, it’s got to stand out. What’s the point in doing it half heartedly? It has to make a statement, right? Not the, I turned my face into a tiger statement that screams, “Woah, you got issues dude,” but something a little more subtle yet profound.

Now, I know everyone’s thinking; “this is just like that time you wanted to get ‘courageous’ tattooed across your forearm in Hebrew.” No, this is different, but for the record, I wanted to do that long before it was cool. I’m pretty sure I was the originator of that trend. I think I shared my idea with Al Gore right before he started the internet, and the idea spread like wild fire. That was all me!

No, this is more than a passing thought. I’m really going to do it.

The fact is I already did. And, so did you.

Right about now you’re probably thinking I’ve lost my mind. You would remember getting the top of your ear run through with giant piece of metal, right? Well, perhaps I need to explain myself.

You know when you read a verse, and no matter how much you try to juke it (yes, I just used the word, juke), it sticks with you? This is a concept that’s been with me since college and recently I ran across the verse, but it’s been marinating in my soul for quite some time now. The concept comes right out of Exodus. Picture this; you’re a slave. I know, stinks huh. Well, now imagine you’re a slave 4000 years ago (wow, this story just keeps getting worse). You weren’t always a slave. You used to be a farmer, but one year the crops dried up and you had very little options to keep your family alive.

By now you’re thinking, “wow Tom, you’re a depressing story teller.” Just stick with me, it gets worse.

So, in order to feed your family, you go to the wealthiest man in town and sell yourself as a slave (bummer).I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to conceive of a scenario in which I have to sell myself and my family into slavery in order to survive. Crazy! But something else happens that you didn’t expect. You actually like the master.

After spending years experiencing the goodness of your master, the time comes when he by law has to set you free. Finally, freedom is at the door. This is where you and I would do an awesome little jig just like that guy Matt who travels around the world doing a stupid little dance. You don’t know him, well, look him up. Where In The World Is Matt Dancing.

Okay, back to you being a slave. You’re about to be free. You would be elated, right? What if you had nothing to go back to? What if times had become worse over years, and now your freedom meant certain death. What would you do and would your new freedom be as great as imagined? When you begin to weigh your options, you begin to realize how good you have it. Your family is cared for. There’s food on the table and a roof over your head. Most of all, you love the master.

It’s at this point you realize you have another difficult choice to make. You have to choose a pill to swallow. Do you want the red pill or the blue pill? Sorry, I just got all Matrixy on you. You can have your freedom, if that’s what you want to call it, but there is a price you’re going to pay. If will most likely be the death of you and your family. Slavery’s starting to look pretty good, no? But, there’s a catch. If you decide to stay with your master this time, it’s not going to be for just seven years, it will be for the rest of your life. This is where the ear piercing thing comes in.

If you decide to stay, it will mean forever, and to solidify your decision you will be given a mark. This isn’t just any mark. It’s a mark that will be visible for all to see. It’s not only a testament to your decision to be a lifelong servant, but it’s a testament to the character of the master. Then, your master is going to take a metal awl, which is like a giant nail, and drive it through your ear. Ouch!

Exodus 21:5-6

“But if the servant declares, ‘I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,’ 6 then his master must take him before the judges.[a] He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life.

Do you realize, you and I are the slave?

I don’t know about you, but this is a good reminder that my life is not my own. We have been bought with a price. Our ear has been pierced.

Who do you know who needs their ear pierced?

The Lanyard: A Darn Good Poem

20 Apr

Excerpt from: The Trouble With Poetry And Other Poems by Billy Collins

The other day as I was ricochetting slowly off the pale blue walls of this room, bouncing from typewriter to piano, from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor, I found myself in the L section of the dictionary where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.

No cookie nibbled by a French novelist could send one more suddenly into the past–a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp by a deep Adirondack lake learning how to braid thin plastic strips into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.

I had never seen anyone use a lanyard or wear one, if that’s what you did with them, but that did not keep me from crossing strand over strand again and again until I had made a boxy red and white lanyard for my mother.

She gave me life and milk from her breasts, and I gave her a lanyard. She nursed me in many a sickroom, lifted teaspoons of medicine to my lips, set cold face-cloths on my forehead, and then led me out into the airy light and taught me to walk and swim, and I, in turn, presented her with a lanyard. Here are thousands of meals, she said, and here is clothing and a good education. And here is your lanyard, I replied, which I made witha little help from a counselor.

Here is a breathing body and a beating heart, strong legs, bones and teeth, and two clear eyes to read the world, she whispered, and here, I said, is the lanyard I made at camp. And here, I wish to say to her now, is a smaller gift–not the archaic truth

that you can never repay your mother, but the rueful admission that when she took the two-tone lanyard from my hands, I was as sure as a boy could be that this useless, worthless thing I wove out of boredom would be enough to make us even.

Billy Collins

Five Reason Why I’m Not A Vegetarian

20 Apr

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While out shopping today I was struck with an odd thought. Chalk it up to the fact that I’m currently getting my oil changed and that kind I boredom can spark interesting thoughts a you wait for the pushy salesman to come back and tell you of all the other fluids your car needs. Along with wipers, a vacuum, and a radiator flush. So what’s the random thought you ask? I’m betting the suspense is killing you. Well, here it is, How in the world do people go with out meat? So, I came up with five reasons why I’m not a vegetarian. I could come up with more no doubt, but five sounded trendy and cool.

1. Costco-Have you been to Costco lately? Being a vegetarian at Costco must be the most depressing thing EVER! It’s like going to Diary Queen and deciding to just get a water. Going to Costco is all about the samples, and the best samples are always meat.

2. Bacon-I take pride in the fact that I’m a bacon connoisseur. I can still remember the two best bacon experiences I’ve had. One was in Seattle at this dive in Queen Ann Hill called, Cafe Mecca. My mouth still waters at the thought of that thick salty goodness. The other was on a mission trip to Africa. The whole time we ate really skinny chickens without salt, hot sauce, or any other flavor. After weeks of suppressing your tastebuds like that anything would taste good, right? It was on a tour of the Zambezi river that I tasted the most delectable meal I’ve ever encountered. I still wake up longing for those slabs of fatty meat. To become a vegetarian would be to deny that inner voice that colors my life.

3. Starbucks-This one doesn’t really have anything to do with meat, but I really love coffee and I just had to let the world know. I guess I could spin it to make it work. I don’t want to be a vegan either, so that counts right?

4. Bacon Cheeseburgers-Need I say anything else? Who doesn’t love bacon cheeseburgers. I have a philosophy that I live by; never trust anyone that doesn’t crave a good bacon cheeseburger every once in a while.

5. Jesus ate meat-this is the single biggest factor in me loathing being a vegetarian. Who doesn’t want to be like Jesus. It’s what we all aspire too, right? Well, at the end of the day, Jesus at meat.

 

Underground Sanctuary’s: A Whistle in the Dark Teaser

19 Apr

“Over here.” Eaner exclaimed jumping off the side of the stairs next to the secret storm drain as Henry followed close behind.  “You’re going to get a little dirty,” Eaner warned, “but it’s totally worth it I guarantee.” “That’s okay; I don’t mind a little dirt.”  Henry stated, watching Eaner lower himself to the ground next to the entrance.  “Follow me.  There’s a little bit of a drop off, but it’s not bad.”  Eaner told him.  Henry just nodded and lowered himself to the ground as well, as Eaner disappeared into the hole.  Henry landed just as Eaner flicked on the flashlight, revealing the spectacular hidden world before them.  “Whoa!  What is this place?”  “It’s an underground storm drain that runs underneath the whole town.”  “This is so cool.”  Henry exclaimed.  “You haven’t seen anything yet.  Wait till you see my secret place.”  Eaner said, gesturing for Henry to follow him down the tunnel.  They approached the massive metal red door as Eaner grabbed his stashed tools out of the tin can, and began jimmying the door open.

Eaner had the door opened in a matter of seconds in usual fashion as he pulled with might exposing his sacred chamber to unsuspecting eyes for the first time.  Eaner watched Henry’s expressions of delight and awe like a proud parent on Christmas morning as he took in the magical sights and smells revealed to him.  He was speechless for a few moments as he took in the endless possibilities of adventure presented to him.  “This place is so awesome!” He said dumbfounded as he watched Eaner grab the lighter on the table next to the door and begin lighting the candles placed around the room.  “I told you this was the greatest place ever!”  Eaner replied.  “There’s more down here as well.  I’ve found so many amazing things.  Maybe you can help me gather more stuff for our fort too?”  “Yeah, that would be great!  We need some more furniture down here, and then we could just live here forever.”  Henry replied excitedly.   “Yeah, no kidding,” Eaner chuckled as he walked over to an old faded orange metal cabinet.  He twisted on the long slender handle jolting the door back and forth as it refused to relinquish its stubborn grip as Eaner put his full weight into the effort.  The bending door finally surrendered, sending Eaner shooting backwards from the sudden release.

The Car Seat: The Best Contraception Known To Man

9 Apr

Are you thinking about having children? You MUST read this: Yes there are ten steps, and there’s a 41 page book that explains it all, plus a page for notes if you need it.

1. Set the straps: This first step seems like such a no brainer, but if you’re not careful you may find a headache the size of the Grand Canyon. Whatever you do don’t flippantly bypass this step and think you’ll be able to do it in the car quickly. Here’s what will happen of you do; you will already be running 15 minutes late to some engagement, but messing with straps sounds like such drag. You’ll grab your kiddo with a diaper bag in one hand, a blanket, sippy cup, 3 Sandra Boynton books about barnyard animals, a ball, a hungry caterpillar stuffed animal, a snack cup that is supposed to minimize messiness but doesn’t, and the house keys all in the other hand. Good luck locking the door. Once you’ve made it out to the car you’ll drop everything in the seat, except the baby hopefully, and then realize the straps are to loose. You then have to figure out what to do with your infant child as you mess with those lousy straps.

Your baby barely moves so you think it will be fine to lay him/her on the seat. Once you feel like you have the baby in a secure position you try to reset the straps, but soon find out you have to take apart the back of the car seat in order to accomplish this. You’ll take off the seat cover, remove some weird foam, and a plastic cover that will rip off two of your fingernails because it’s on there so firmly, and finally see the spot to reset the strap.  By now, your baby has almost rolled off the seat, which causes you to dive to stop it. You’re able to save the disaster, but whack your shin and scrape your arm on the exposed plastic from the car seat. After 20 minutes of juggling your baby and the car seat, you’ll have reset the straps, but you’ll never make this mistake again. This leads us to our next step.

2. Front or rear facing: If you’re a new dad, you probably have no clue whether or not your baby is supposed to face forward or backward. If you’re anything like me, you didn’t even have a car seat as a kid. How did we ever survive? Well, just to keep it simple all you have to do is answer one question to determine whether or not your car seat should face forward or backward. Is your baby still puking on you daily? If the answer is yes, your car seat needs to face backward (Yes, I know the picture is forward facing). Some of you are asking, how will I be able to see my child? Well, right next to the baby spa section at Babies ‘R’ Us is the mirrors that attach to back seat. Just ask you clerk if you can’t find it and they will show you that and a million other things you never dreamed you would need. If your child can run faster than you and try’s to evade you at every turn, your child is probably ready for the front facing. This way they can thrown their food at the back of your head on every car trip. Won’t that be fun.

3. What are these hooks for: Now that you’ve determined which way you car seat should face, you now have the task of securing it in the car. You would think there would only be one way of doing this, but you would be wrong, dead wrong. There are actually four ways. Two we already discussed, forward or backward, but now you must decide whether or not to use the seat belt or hooks to secure the seat. Let’s talk about the hooks first. Dangling at the bottom of the car seat and in the back is three hooks you will try to shove in every crevice and crack of your vehicle. After spending five minutes, and feeling like a complete moron because you couldn’t conquer the hooks, you will resign yourself to use the seat belt. You know how to use a seat belt after all, how hard could that be.

 

4. Where does the seat belt go: It goes in one of the three holes that says “feed seat belt here.” Keep in mind there is only one right hole. Good luck.

 

 

 

 

5. Why won’t the seat belt tighten: Once you’ve wedged yourself into the tiny seat, pull on the shoulder strap with all your might. You need to get a lot of strap because once you start feeding it into the seat belt, the belt is going to lock up and not allow you to adjust it if you need more length. Most likely, you will feed the seat belt through hole and be about two inches shy of being able to clip the belt in. Repeat this process four more times or until you consider strangling yourself with the seat belt.

 

 

6. Should it move like this: Once you’ve pulled so much you’ve strained your eyeball and probably sweat drops of blood, you’ve finally clipped the belt in. With a deep sense of satisfaction and confidence, you will lean back to get a good look at the feat you’ve accomplished. As you lean back you’ll notice the seat moves with you. This is when you realize you used the wrong hole. Repeat steps four through six again.

 

 

7. Sit on it: Now that you’ve realized the error of using the wrong hole, you’ll feed it into the right place, but realize you need some weight to get the seat tight. The only way to do this is to wedge yourself into the tiny seat and pull with all your might once again, careful not to rupture any capillaries.

 

 

 

8. Pull your hair out: Now is a good time to loose it. You’re 45 minutes late to where ever it was you were going, your baby is creaming uncontrollably, you’ve ripped two of your fingernails off, and your eyeball hurts. The only thing to do at this point is to have a good old fashion conniption fit. After a few minutes of this you’ll feel like a new man. Once you calm down, it’s time to move on to the next step. This step could take anywhere from five to ten minutes depending on pain levels.

 

 

9. Read the manual: Now that you’ve calmed down it’s time to resort to the one thing you never thought you would have to do. After pulling out your hair it’s time to read the 41 page manual that’s attached to your car seat. Yes, I said 41 pages. After 45 minutes of feeling like a total moron, you should be encouraged that it took the manufacturers 41 pages to explain the installation process. You’re still getting your man card taken away for your failure to figure it out on your own, but that’s another story.

 

 

10. Ask a woman to put it in: You’re late, hurt, frustrated, and emasculated. You’ve read the simple 41 page book explaining the process, but still you can’t figure it out. It’s time for the 10th and final step. Pick up your baby and step out of the vehicle. Look around you, if there is a woman (it can be any woman), ask them to put it in. In 45 seconds you’ll be on your way. Mother in laws work great for this.

Hopefully these instruction will help you overcome the adversities of installing a car seat, and if not, at least it will serve as a reminder that, the car seat is the best contraception known to man.

If you liked this post, check out: 10 Lessons Learned The Hard Way

10 Lessons Learned The Hard Way

2 Apr

Being a dad is great! Although I’m new to the whole dad thing, I have been blown away at how fun the whole experience has been. There is nothing like walking through the front door after a long day of work and having your little one come running to the door with a big smile and out stretched arms. It’s in these moments you know beyond a shadow of a doubt, “this is the life.” As much as I love this whole dad thing, there have been some things I’ve had to adjust too.Here are a list of 10 adjustments for a new dad. It all starts in the womb mind you.

1. When “Oh no I’m sick” turns into, “oh no I don’t feel sick phase.” Get ready for this phase guys. As men we will never understand the physical sickness and agony our wives go through during pregnancy (We would probably die if we had too.), but prepare yourself for this phase. There are obviously mixed emotions when finding out about pregnancy (depending on whether or not you were trying), but after settling into the fact that you’re going to have a miracle bundle of joy, something happens. All the happiness turns into nausea. Now you’ve hit the morning sickness phase. Prepare yourself, because this is going to be a roller coaster ride. At first, your wife is going to think something is wrong because she feels way to sick. This will continue for weeks. Right about the time you have been able to comfort her, she will then start to feel better. You’re going to be tempted to think that everything is down hill from here. Pinch yourself, because you need to wake up. You’re now moving into the second part of this phase, which is, Oh no, I don’t feel sick-something must be wrong phase. You will now have to switch gears on a dime, and everything you told her for weeks is now the opposite. Where you were only a few days ago trying to convince her she is supposed to feel sick, you will now have to convince her she is supposed to feel hunky dory. Good luck.

2. Don’t ask about the coffee cups phase. Men, we will never be able to understand the changes that are taking place in a woman’s body during pregnancy. More than once, my wife thought she was losing her mind. I’ll never forget the morning I woke up looking for my travel coffee mug. We had three the last time I looked, but that morning I couldn’t find any for the life of me. I checked every cupboard and every bag, and eventually I even looked in the cars. After searching everywhere I knew, I finally went in to ask my wife (Bad idea if you haven’t already guessed.). I woke her up gently and asked, “hon, where are the coffee mugs?” Without hesitation she sat up like the saddest basset you’ve ever seen and burst into tears. You must tread lightly in this phase, and never ask where the coffee cups are.

3. The please don’t die phase. I’ve skipped ahead  a bit, and now your baby’s been born. You saw the miracle of birth and hopefully didn’t pass out, but now you have this little creature that is yours, and if it wasn’t for your wife (and her mother in most cases), you wouldn’t have a clue in the world what to do. Now is the time to panic, and pray (for the sake of your baby mind you), that your wife recovers miraculously. It’s in this phase that we realize our wives are super hero’s. During the pregnancy we thought they were losing their minds, but now we see clearly that it’s they that are the strong ones, and we are puny weaklings. After some time in the hospital God will cause a deep fog to surround the nurses and medical teams to convince them that you’re are able to take care of your wife and baby at home, and they will release you. They will hand you this tiny little human and send you on your way. You are going to feel like you just pulled a fast one on the hospital. You’ll be thinking, “I sure duped them. I can’t believe they are letting me leave and with a baby, Suckers.” This is when you hit the next phase. This beautiful little creature that is now in your full care is going to sleep, well, like a baby. There will be more than once that your baby will be sleeping so hard, you will think they are dead. They’re not, they are just messing with your head. The next three months you will be living in this phase. You’ll have every gadget none to man to monitor your child, which leads us to our next phase.

4. What is sleep phase? No matter how many times people told me that I would be tired, I didn’t get it until I held my baby in my arms. But, don’t make the mistake that I made. No matter how tired you may be, your wife is a million times tireder. She has gone through the most excruciatingly painful experience known to man (side not: and actually wants to do it again, which is the biggest miracle of all. The population would no doubt die off if men had to give birth.), and in many cases now has to live on an hour and a half sleep cycle for the next month. I’m tired, but she’s delirious. No matter what, if you pass out on the couch for five hours, don’t wake up and say something like; “wow, we really got some good sleep.” There is a 99% chance that “we” doesn’t exist. “We” was just “you”, and “you” will never live this down, trust me.

5. What is that on my shirt phase? Well, there’s no easy way to break this to you, but for the next few years, you’re going to have slime, sludge, food, and spit up all over you. There are going to be times while at the grocery store that you’ll notice your sleeve and think a slug traveled the length of your arm. The worst is when you’re in a meeting and realize you smell like sour milk. Embrace it, because this is your new life. Rejoice that you’re already married because you’re going to seem like a disheveled mess.

6. After a few months everything will go back to normal, right phase? Let me just break it to you now. Normal will never be NORMAL again. If you’re ever tempted to think this, ask a good buddy to slap you across the face because you’re living in a delusion. Look around you, because what you see is the new normal. Every scattered toy that you step on to every smell on your shirt is now what you need to call normal. The sooner you adjust to this fact the sooner you will be able to move on with your life.

7. How can something so cute produce something so vile phase. When you look into the face of your beautiful child, never in a million years would you think they would be able to produce a waste by-product as gnarly and vile as they do. And not only that, there will be a time that you’ll be in a public setting that your child will mess themselves in a way you never would have remotely thought possible in a million years. I don’t know how a tiny little 8 lb thing could have the pressure of a fire hydrant, but they do. You don’t believe me, just wait. They will poop on their heads.

8. There’s a new kind of currency phase. At some point your going to take your children to the store (Starbucks is where it first happened to me), and once your ready for check out, you’ll discover a new kind of currency. You’ll reach for your wallet, but instead you’ll find a snot rag. You’ll try a different pocket, and there you’ll find Cheerios. You’ll look everywhere, but money you won’t find. If you’re really bold, you’ll ask the cashier if they take graham crackers as currency.

9. When your worst nightmare comes true; your wife wants to buy cloth diapers phase. Brace yourself for this one. Baby’s are expensive. At some point money will get tight. You will cut out everything, but still, you’ll need it to stretch further. This is God’s way of showing us what really important. Right when you think you can’t cut back on anything else, the mother load will hit. “How about we try cloth diapers?” she’ll ask. Your response will probably be as ignorant as mine was, something like; “you mean like the 1890’s?” At this point, you’ll go to the kitchen to get your giant humble pill and swallow it without a glass of water while you order your new cloth diapers on Amazon. Take heart though, their not as bad as you think, that is unless they poop on their heads.

10. ?

You’ll notice I left 10 blank and that because you probably have something even funnier that every parent learns the hard way. What’s the funniest thing you’ve experienced and adjusted to as a parent?

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