The Car Seat: The Best Contraception Known To Man

Are you thinking about having children? You MUST read this: Yes there are ten steps, and there’s a 41 page book that explains it all, plus a page for notes if you need it.

1. Set the straps: This first step seems like such a no brainer, but if you’re not careful you may find a headache the size of the Grand Canyon. Whatever you do don’t flippantly bypass this step and think you’ll be able to do it in the car quickly. Here’s what will happen of you do; you will already be running 15 minutes late to some engagement, but messing with straps sounds like such drag. You’ll grab your kiddo with a diaper bag in one hand, a blanket, sippy cup, 3 Sandra Boynton books about barnyard animals, a ball, a hungry caterpillar stuffed animal, a snack cup that is supposed to minimize messiness but doesn’t, and the house keys all in the other hand. Good luck locking the door. Once you’ve made it out to the car you’ll drop everything in the seat, except the baby hopefully, and then realize the straps are to loose. You then have to figure out what to do with your infant child as you mess with those lousy straps.

Your baby barely moves so you think it will be fine to lay him/her on the seat. Once you feel like you have the baby in a secure position you try to reset the straps, but soon find out you have to take apart the back of the car seat in order to accomplish this. You’ll take off the seat cover, remove some weird foam, and a plastic cover that will rip off two of your fingernails because it’s on there so firmly, and finally see the spot to reset the strap.  By now, your baby has almost rolled off the seat, which causes you to dive to stop it. You’re able to save the disaster, but whack your shin and scrape your arm on the exposed plastic from the car seat. After 20 minutes of juggling your baby and the car seat, you’ll have reset the straps, but you’ll never make this mistake again. This leads us to our next step.

2. Front or rear facing: If you’re a new dad, you probably have no clue whether or not your baby is supposed to face forward or backward. If you’re anything like me, you didn’t even have a car seat as a kid. How did we ever survive? Well, just to keep it simple all you have to do is answer one question to determine whether or not your car seat should face forward or backward. Is your baby still puking on you daily? If the answer is yes, your car seat needs to face backward (Yes, I know the picture is forward facing). Some of you are asking, how will I be able to see my child? Well, right next to the baby spa section at Babies ‘R’ Us is the mirrors that attach to back seat. Just ask you clerk if you can’t find it and they will show you that and a million other things you never dreamed you would need. If your child can run faster than you and try’s to evade you at every turn, your child is probably ready for the front facing. This way they can thrown their food at the back of your head on every car trip. Won’t that be fun.

3. What are these hooks for: Now that you’ve determined which way you car seat should face, you now have the task of securing it in the car. You would think there would only be one way of doing this, but you would be wrong, dead wrong. There are actually four ways. Two we already discussed, forward or backward, but now you must decide whether or not to use the seat belt or hooks to secure the seat. Let’s talk about the hooks first. Dangling at the bottom of the car seat and in the back is three hooks you will try to shove in every crevice and crack of your vehicle. After spending five minutes, and feeling like a complete moron because you couldn’t conquer the hooks, you will resign yourself to use the seat belt. You know how to use a seat belt after all, how hard could that be.

4. Where does the seat belt go: It goes in one of the three holes that says “feed seat belt here.” Keep in mind there is only one right hole. Good luck.

5. Why won’t the seat belt tighten: Once you’ve wedged yourself into the tiny seat, pull on the shoulder strap with all your might. You need to get a lot of strap because once you start feeding it into the seat belt, the belt is going to lock up and not allow you to adjust it if you need more length. Most likely, you will feed the seat belt through hole and be about two inches shy of being able to clip the belt in. Repeat this process four more times or until you consider strangling yourself with the seat belt.

6. Should it move like this: Once you’ve pulled so much you’ve strained your eyeball and probably sweat drops of blood, you’ve finally clipped the belt in. With a deep sense of satisfaction and confidence, you will lean back to get a good look at the feat you’ve accomplished. As you lean back you’ll notice the seat moves with you. This is when you realize you used the wrong hole. Repeat steps four through six again.

7. Sit on it: Now that you’ve realized the error of using the wrong hole, you’ll feed it into the right place, but realize you need some weight to get the seat tight. The only way to do this is to wedge yourself into the tiny seat and pull with all your might once again, careful not to rupture any capillaries.

8. Pull your hair out: Now is a good time to loose it. You’re 45 minutes late to where ever it was you were going, your baby is creaming uncontrollably, you’ve ripped two of your fingernails off, and your eyeball hurts. The only thing to do at this point is to have a good old fashion conniption fit. After a few minutes of this you’ll feel like a new man. Once you calm down, it’s time to move on to the next step. This step could take anywhere from five to ten minutes depending on pain levels.

9. Read the manual: Now that you’ve calmed down it’s time to resort to the one thing you never thought you would have to do. After pulling out your hair it’s time to read the 41 page manual that’s attached to your car seat. Yes, I said 41 pages. After 45 minutes of feeling like a total moron, you should be encouraged that it took the manufacturers 41 pages to explain the installation process. You’re still getting your man card taken away for your failure to figure it out on your own, but that’s another story.

10. Ask a woman to put it in: You’re late, hurt, frustrated, and emasculated. You’ve read the simple 41 page book explaining the process, but still you can’t figure it out. It’s time for the 10th and final step. Pick up your baby and step out of the vehicle. Look around you, if there is a woman (it can be any woman), ask them to put it in. In 45 seconds you’ll be on your way. Mother in laws work great for this.

Hopefully these instruction will help you overcome the adversities of installing a car seat, and if not, at least it will serve as a reminder that, the car seat is the best contraception known to man.

If you liked this post, check out: 10 Lessons Learned The Hard Way

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